stupid fucking self-pity party.
today: i am depressed. there are eight billion reasons why this is stupid. i just feel….and here i grasp for words, trying to figure out how best to put it, but wind up with: bad. I just feel bad. and i feel guilty for feeling bad, because as soon as i confess to feeling bad, then all the people and thoughts and things that really are bad rush into my mind. i think about people who have no hope, or people who have no HOMES for fuck’s sake. i think about how terribly, bitterly cold it is outside right now, and how i am safely and snugly secure in a pair of soft sweatpants and two shirts, and how there are people who are, right this very moment, drawing their last, no, dragging their last breath into lungs worn out from cold.
and i feel bad. i feel bad because i’m mad at God. and i’m mad, in a childish way, so mad that i don’t even want to capitalize the “G” at all, because i want to say “see! so there, jerk! how do you like that shit!” and all because of a single letter, as if God really actually cares whether people capitalize the “G.” the ‘g.’ it makes him no less a god, or a God, or a jerk, or whatever he is. she is, it is. it’s just feeble attempts by people like me to get it.
and i don’t get it. i don’t get it at ALL, you asshole, is what i want to say, sitting on the floor and crying, i don’t get it! i did everything i was supposed to do, i took the stupid fucking LSAT and went to law school and took the bar and studied and worked my fucking stupid ass off, and i got this internship and found exactly what i loved doing! this is it! God is awesome! i’m doing what i’m supposed to be doing, finally, he’s told me what he wants me to do and even gave me the path and helped me the whole way through, and here i am! and i got hired! and i became really really good at what i was doing, and it started defining me, it became a part of my signature and a part of my name, and i had business cards, even, with my name on them. and i had an office! not even a cubicle, how crazy is that? i had a secretary! i was important! and a badge, even! a big gold badge.
the last trial i had, i got a conviction, a guilty verdict. the victim came up to me and threw her arms around me and said “thank you! thank you! you are amazing! you fucking rock! i can’t believe it!” and then her and her husband told me that i was the reason she felt strong enough to come in and testify, and that they wanted me to be the first person they told: she’s pregnant! “loya for president!” she said, “i want to make shirts!”
and i felt so good about that, because i really worked the shit out of the case, and spent time on the phone with them, and it was a really great accomplishment, even the legal arguing part, because i based the case on the fact this woman suffered serious mental and emotional harm from her ordeal……and it was a first for our division, to prove that kind of case with that kind of basis……and……..
it didn’t matter. i got fired. i got fired because my supervisor was completely out of control and damaging cases to the point victims were suffering, and being horrible and vindictive and awful and….other stuff too. stuff that really doesn’t matter at all.
so i’m really fucking pissed off at God. i acted rightly and nobly, even! like a knight! and maybe that’s stupid and childish, but i don’t care about that. i just care that i’m pissed off at God. i’m pissed. he got me into all this fucking mess, and now i feel stranded. i feel completely forgotten about and abandoned, and i know that’s so fucking self-centered and selfish and ridiculous and it’s a LIE, even, but i don’t care that it’s a lie, i still feel it!
and i make no apologies about it, either. not today. today i am apology-free.
3 years ago